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Thursday, July 10, 2008

Neighbors: Turning the Prank on the Callers

By Jo White, Roaring Mouse
For the Telegraph
      You can pay Qwest or Verizon to block those annoying phone calls during precious dinner time, or you can do what Bill and I do: play on their time.
    It started years ago when I had little kids, sons who are now 32 and 34. There were no cell phones and television didn't have cable and I was really bored staying home with children rather than teaching full time. Olan Mills use to call about every week to ask if I'd like to have photos of my wonderful boys. Sure I did, but they wanted a fortune, and to be honest, our sons weren't that cute.
    OK maybe they were, but I eventually taught photography with my yearbook classes, so I didn't need the hassle. So, I told them I was a druid and taking photos stole the soul. After about three calls, they would stop for a year. Every year it worked. Sometimes I think they called just to hear someone say it. I started asking them to come to meetings and give up the devil's work.
    Then they quit.
    Now we have professional calling artists. They come in all shapes and sizes from here and abroad. While I admire their get up and go in obtaining and keeping a job, these folks never heard the meaning of the words, “No, no thank you, nein, nix, no way, no don't call back.” Or the simple, “Take me off your list, PLEASE!” With that in mind, what I am going to impart to you is open for interpretation. You decide whether it is right or wrong. We have already made up our minds.
    Bill and I have taken to playing with phone solicitors. They waste our time, and we really waste theirs. We have satellite TV, but that does not stop the company we are with from calling and asking over and over to join them. No matter how often we explain we HAVE DISH, they won't quit calling. We push the button to get them to take us off but it does not work.
    Soooooo, we have started ordering up to 8 or 12 dishes. And we give them bogus house numbers and more bogus credit card numbers. Did you know our dog, Fancy, has her own dish coming, or did have until they told us her credit rating was not enough. Gee, too bad, and Fancy was looking forward to Animal Planet. They call us for an extended warranty on a car we have paid off and is in perfect condition. So we order new coverage, Oh, too bad, our credit card number won't go through.
    Then there was the man who called to ask us to take out a new credit card, but I explained we were a green household of reformed druids who didn't believe in anything artificial, and the card was plastic. He persisted, and I informed him we would pray for him, but we were only reformed druids because Edgewood only had scrub oak trees, so we couldn't pray to full-grown trees like our more formal church in England.
    And speaking of churches, today a man called me to give me 40 copies of Modern Woman and TV Guide. It was then I had a conversion and explained that Our Lady of Edgewood Convent women were certainly not modern and didn't have television — we spent the day in meditation and prayer. I could hear him blush through the phone.
    I heard Bill laugh tonight as he was talking on the phone and working on the computer. He needed “his glasses,” Bill said. He asked the guy on the phone to wait but it took him 30 minutes to find them. The guy waited for 20. Nice — they get paid by the hour. We have all the whistles and bells on our phone, call waiting, caller ID. We can see them coming. Now, it is a game, and we keep score on the fridge.
    The phone you pay for is yours, take charge of it. Don't let them rip off your time or your talent. And if you have any other creative tips, give us a call. We're in the book.
    Roaring Mouse … one ring-a-dingy, two ring-a-dingy … out.
    Neighbors is a lighthearted weekly column written by people in the community. If you would like to contribute to Neighbors, contact Rory McClannahan at 823-7102 or online at editor@mvtelegraph.com.>   

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